American Surrogacy Network

From Gabrielle Union to Anderson Cooper, more and more celebrities have used surrogacy to grow their families and have opened up about this path to parenthood.

While the specifics may vary, at its core surrogacy is an arrangement whereby someone agrees to carry a baby in the womb for the intended parents or parents.Whether you're welcoming a baby with the help of a surrogate or are just curious about the process, a question that tends to arise is, "How do you explain surrogacy to a child born through a surrogate, or any child at all?"

Below, parents and experts detail best practices for having surrogacy conversations with their children.

Start the conversation early.

"I always recommend that parents start telling their children their birth story as early as possible," says Kim Kluger-Bell, a licensed marriage and family therapist who specializes in reproductive psychotherapy. "Most children start to become aware of pregnancy around the age of 3 or 4 and know that 'the baby grows in the mother's womb,' which is an ideal time to start talking about the special way they came into the world."

As daunting as these topics can be, delaying the conversation will only make things much bigger than they really need to be.Consider mentioning the special circumstances of their birth before you think they fully understand.

"Day one is the time to start telling them their story," says Kim Bergman, psychologist, owner and senior partner at Surrogacy and Egg Donation Agency. "In this way, it becomes the structure and the foundation of who they are, and it's never a surprise or a 'break them down' message." Of course, the story is layered with age-appropriate bits and pieces Facts told, more details will be added as the child gets older. "

The sooner you talk about your surrogacy experience, the more natural it will feel for everyone, including older siblings.Open dialogue goes a long way in normalizing non-traditional parenting paths.

Meditation and mindfulness coach Josephine Atluri said: "As mothers of two sets of twins born via surrogacy from two different gestational carriers, we followed the same guidelines we received when we adopted our first son. Advice." "Our adoption agency and many of the books we read about adoption advise us to talk about the way our children come into our lives from the very beginning, no matter how young. The idea is that this is part of their birth story, There's nothing to hide."

Use age-appropriate language.

For younger children, it is best to explain the concept of surrogacy using simple, age-appropriate language.Likewise, they may have learned that babies "grow in mom's womb," so take that as a starting point.

"With heterosexual couples, the parents might explain, 'Mom's stomach can't have a baby, so we got a really kind and generous lady to help her take care of you until you were born,'" Kluger-Bell said. “The concept of babysitting is usually familiar and easy to grasp for young children. Of course, if the parents are not physically strong enough to carry the baby to term, you can change the wording a little bit – “Dads don’t need to carry babies.” The kind of belly that we had, so we had to find a nice guy who wanted to help! '"

There are two main types of surrogacy: traditional surrogacy, in which the surrogate carries her own eggs and is therefore genetically linked to the child born; and gestational surrogacy, in which the surrogate is a "surrogate" and carries a baby by the intended parents, a donor, or both. The egg and sperm are formed by union, so there is no genetic link to the child.

"Traditional surrogacy is very rare these days, but it does sometimes happen that a sister becomes a traditional surrogate for her sister," Kruger-Bell said. "But it's no different than when parents use both a gestational carrier and an egg donor. Likewise, I recommend starting to talk to children about various 'helpers' who are kind and generous and can help their parents bring them to In this world."

Share your gratitude for doctors, egg donors, and carriers who do an amazing job of keeping children safe and healthy until they are old enough to go home with their parents.Emphasis on starting a family also comes in many different ways.

Provide more details as you get older.

As children get older, they can learn more details about the mechanism of their birth and related medical procedures.

"Slightly older children will understand that they're growing up in the womb of a surrogate, and they'll have more questions and maybe feel a little uneasy or embarrassed about it," Kruger-Bell said. "It helps if the surrogate is someone they've met, rather than some anonymous, unknown person. Many couples will invite their surrogate to at least some of their children's birthdays, and the couple will Saying that might be a good thing and would demystify the process."

“Honesty and transparency are essential in any situation. Even if your child seems too young to fully understand, they will be able to retain basic concepts. As they grow, this will help their Identity.” - STACI SWIDERSKI, CEO & OWNER, FAMILY SOURCE CONSULTANTS

Even if surrogates aren't present in your child's upbringing, there are other ways to make them feel less mysterious. Kluger-Bell recommends showing your child photos from the day they were born, especially if you also have photos of your surrogate and baby.

"Many parents also document their pregnancies with photos and ultrasounds of themselves and the surrogate at doctor's appointments, telling their babies to do things like talk to them while they're in the surrogate's womb and have her play their Voice recordings," she added.

Older children may also ask the surrogate why she volunteers for this important work and whether she wants to take them home when they are born.Answer straight to the point.

"The fact that most surrogates are paid for their services doesn't mean it's just a commercial arrangement: most surrogates have a strong motivation to help others and give them the most important gift in life ,” Kluger-Bell noted.

Answer their questions honestly.

Children inevitably ask questions about surrogacy, and as they get older, these questions become more specific.Remember to be open and age-appropriate about their stories.

"Honesty and transparency are essential in any situation," says Staci Swiderski, CEO and owner of a surrogacy and egg donation agency. "Even if your child seems too young to fully understand, they'll be able to retain basic concepts. As they grow, this will help with their sense of identity."

She noted that the children's questions often revolved more around who the surrogate is and how it relates to the family and the surrogacy process.

"How did you meet the surrogate? How did you pick the surrogate? How much did you pay the surrogate? Is she my biological mother? Why did you decide to do this? Why can't you hold me like other mothers hold their babies? This Does it make me different from the other kids or my siblings? Who is my surrogate and can I see her? Will she come pick me up one day? Over the years, these All the questions my little boys ask me," Atluri said.

She urges parents to stop and breathe for a few seconds after hearing the questions, as they can be emotionally arousing.

"Capturing that moment makes it clear and aware of how your child is feeling and what they really want to hear in that moment," Atluri explains. "While they may be curious to hear the facts, at the heart of it is An emotion such as fear, sadness, confusion or a need to feel understood, safe or comforted."

Questions about who their "real" parents may sound painful, but try to understand that they come from a curious place, wanting to understand their place in the family and in the world.Focus on the importance of love and family ties to genetics or birth circumstances.

"It's also important to ask your child what they know or have heard about surrogacy from others, so you can debunk myths and untrue statements," Atluri added.

Develop a calm and positive attitude.

"The main thing for parents to remember is that kids take cues from their parents," says Kruger-Bell. "If you feel relaxed, comfortable and positive about surrogacy, and thank your surrogate for making your dreams come true, your baby will too."

Of course, surrogacy can bring difficult emotions for parents, especially if the decision is made after a long struggle or medical issues.On top of these strong feelings, they may feel a lot of pressure to have just the right conversation with their child.

"Parents want their children to be happy with them and themselves, and often worry about that," says Lisa Schuman, a licensed clinical social worker and director of the Center for Family Building. "So when they share the story, they're likely to get tripped up by the words, and the kid might not be thinking, 'My parents love me, that's why they're tripped up by the words.' They're more likely to say, 'If this is normal, why are my parents behaving so strangely?'”

To avoid this, she recommends that parents practice the discussion until they feel comfortable with the topic.

"As they shape and craft the story, they can experiment with different narratives and find what speaks to them," Schuman explained. "When they practice it over and over, they can tear up, stumble over their own words and work things out, so by the time the child understands it, they've said it a million times and it's rolling off their tongue."

Think about the main points of information you want to emphasize in these conversations.

"When we discuss adoption and surrogacy, we always make it a point to tell our children that no matter how they come into our families, the common bond between all of us is that we were born and brought into our families with love," Atluri Say.

"While they may be curious to hear the facts, at their core is an emotion such as fear, sadness, confusion or a need to feel understood, safe or comforted." - JOSEPHINE ATLURI, Meditation and Mindfulness Coach

Use books to inform conversations.

There are many children's books about surrogacy and other non-traditional ways of starting a family.Bergman wrote a book called "You're Getting Started" to explain the different types of assisted reproduction.

Kluger-Bell is the author of "The Very Kind Koala: A Surrogacy Story," for children ages 3-5.She also recommends Sarah A. Phillips' "Kangaroo Pouch: A Story of Toddler Surrogacy" and Carmen Martinez Jover's "Baby-Making Cookbook."

In 2022, lawyer and surrogacy advocate Evie Jean published a book called How Much We Love You based on her experience with her son.She decided to use a surrogate to have her baby after doctors discovered a large tumor growing on her uterus.

"When he was 5 years old, he asked me his story and I told him the truth," Jeang told Huffington Post. "I think it's always better for a parent to tell a child the information than to have the child look elsewhere. I said, 'Mommy really wants you, but I've got a big tumor in my stomach the size of a grapefruit. Because Mommy's Physically unable to hold baby so she needs help. This very nice lady heard mommy's prayers and took you."

That conversation, during a casual car ride, inspired the plot of "How Much We Love You" and set the stage for discussions about her son's surrogacy story over the years.

"Now that he's older, I can tell him more details," Jeang said. "But at the time he said, 'You know what, mom, you're right. I'm too big for your stomach! It's really cute."

Consider creating your own book.

In addition to reading published literature on surrogacy, families may find it helpful to produce their own book to document their personal journey.

Many parents keep baby books to document their child's early development. Schuman developed a product called My Lifebook, a "prenatal book" for parents who started their families with the help of a third party.

"Kids are as much a part of the story as you are, and they question their entry into the world," Svidski said. "Try to gather as much information as possible about how you chose your surrogate and how the journey unfolded."

She recommends documenting your surrogacy journey by taking photos and videos of yourself and your surrogate, blogging, or creating a scrapbook of memories.

"Be sure to include your surrogate's contribution," Svidski added.

As your child develops, this book can serve as a useful tool to talk about how they came into this world.It could also highlight a reality Bergman emphasized: "Surrogacy is a beautiful partnership in which a group of people come together for one purpose: to help create or expand a family."